Do NOT insult the British Empire
by Newey07
Summary: SpainxFem!England, featuring Pirate!Fem!England and Normal Fem!England. A side of USUK and un peu d'Alfred bashing  or can be seen as him just being an idiot. And, of course, onesided FrancexFem!England. 'Cus it would totally be canon. I don't own Hetalia


**AN:YAY SPAIN! Obviously, this is not based on personal experience. Woe is me.  
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SpainxFem!England

France was currently enjoying one of his favourite pastimes: perving on England.

Said woman was currently half-heartedly listening to whatever it was that America was blabbering about. He watched as a delicate hand rose to brush a lock of golden hair from her eyes. Ah, how he wished to lean over and do it himself! He pouted, figuring that he'd probably get a slap.

Then, he realised that her hand had yet to drop past her neck. Instead she seemed to be toying, almost fondly, a thin chain tucked beneath her collar. Had she worn that before? He debated asking and finally curiosity won over and he nudged the other blonde.

Alice's eyes flicked over to him with a glare.

"Mon petit lapin, is that a new necklace?"

Her eyes softened slightly and she smiled. "No. I've been wearing it for years."

Intrigued, he asked. "Hmmmmm. A present from an admirer perhaps?"

Her cheeks immediately filled with colour, eyes darting across the room. They returned to the necklace before he could see who she had looked at.

- On the other side of the table, Spain smiled. 'So cute. She looks like a tomate.' –

"No! Definitely not!" She said, a little too loudly.

That had successfully managed to capture the attention of the entire room.

"Then you won't mind if I take a look...?" He leant over, enjoying the closeness of their bodies.

She slapped his hand away before gently removing it from her shirt. It was very plain: a single, very old-looking coin on a simple chain.

Seeing his confusion, she clarified. "It's the first piece of Spanish gold I ever took." She sent a small grin in Antonio's direction.

The man smirked to himself. 'Heh. What I took was much more valuable, something no other man will ever have.'

America began to laugh obnoxiously. "What an old-timer thing to do! Keeping an old coin to remember 'the good old days'! Hahaha!"

England bristled. "Do remember that I _owned_ you in the 'good old days'!"

He stopped laughing with a frown. "I was too you to be a hero then! I bet I could beat you now!" He grinned.

Now. That was a serious allegation. America was strong but...the British Empire... Britain had once conquered a quarter of the world and its populace!

Alice flushed with anger. "Oh really now?"

"Yeah! There's no way a girl could beat me!"

Oh snap. More than one nation glowered at him in outrage.

Spain glared at the boy. He was just that, a boy.

He had not felt her blade pierce his skin. He had not seen her easily take down men twice her size with an almost dance-like grace. He had not heard her command her men with such authority that they would have no qualms about following her to the end of the earth. He had not met the Queen of the Seas.

Really, this was true. America was widely regarded to be England's 'favourite child' (**this** may or may not be true) and she had always been kind to him. Aside from the odd scolding, he had never seen her angry. As such, he was always confused by the rumours of the fearsome Captain Kirkland and just dismissed them.

Alice looked towards her former charge with a frightening scowl. "You'd best reconsider your words, _boy_." Her voice was laced with venom, positively dripping from her down-turned mouth.

Antonio felt a pleasant shiver run down his spine. She sounded just as she had back then.

Alfred looked slightly shocked but held his ground. "No way! Old-lady England would never beat me!"

She stood abruptly, chair toppling behind her. She smirked. "We'll see about that."

Muttering a few words in a language none present could understand, Alice disappeared in a cloud of white smoke, causing them to jump.

The whole room looked on in tense anticipation.

A jingle. The clank of metal on metal. Then suddenly, a footstep.

Everybody inhaled sharply in shock. There stood Alice Kirkland. Exactly as she once was.

With a smirk, she strode towards Alfred, bathed in an aura of dominance and power.

Long powerful legs, partially covered in thigh-high leather boots, were barely hidden by the tiny brown shorts she wore. Her creamy pale thighs were exposed, revealing two daggers in a holster strapped to one perfect limb. Alfred's eyes raked past her toned stomach to the racy cut off shirt the ended just past a rather impressive chest. Many men gulped, had they always been that big? It seemed that the coin held pride of place even then, falling between her breasts.

Her beautiful face held a predatory, somewhat feline expression. Antonio was reminded of a lion about to pounce, fitting when seeing her blonde mane just barely restrained by her bandana and captain's hat. A single feathered earring dangled down, gently stroking her cheek, contrasting greatly to the other, harsh metal studs that pierced her ears.

Her large red military coat was draped over her shoulders, swaying with each step, its buttons occasionally knocking against the pair of pistols at her waist. One hand lay almost unconsciously on her cutlass.

When she reached America she looked him dead in the eye. She was taller than normal, standing almost the same height as the younger nation. He was somewhat intimidated by the intense look in her eyes.

He was surprised when she suddenly shot a hand out, gripping his chin between her long, very strong fingers. He wouldn't be surprised if that left a bruise.

"Hmmm... It seems that little Alfred has become a man." Her voice was sultry, low and husky, and the amusement in it was clear.

"E-england?" He croaked with a blush.

She smirked, leaning closer to his face. "Yes?"

Trying to gather his rapidly depleting Bravado, America attempted to grab her to push her back.

In a split second he found himself on his back, on the floor. With a knife at his neck. He gulped. Though whether from fear, or the fact that he was being straddled by a very sexy, scantily clad female pirate, nobody knows.

Antonio frowned, feeling a stab of horrible jealousy.

She leaned into his face once more, laughing as he squeaked when her breasts pressed into his chest. She licked the shell of his ear before whispering in her most seductive voice.

"Submit to me..."

He promptly fainted.

Such un-herolike behaviour.

She stood with a grin. France was eyeing her with a conspicuously ravenous face.

"Angleterre..."

The woman gave a (fake) gasp and turned to him with wide eyes and a cry of "Francis!"

He grinned, feeling smug. 'No woman can resist moi...' He moved to stand up but was hindered by the dagger that suddenly embedded itself between his legs, millimetres away from his vital regions. He looked down and shrieked.

When his gaze returned to Alice, his face now dripping with sweat, she was idly cleaning her nails with the other knife.

"Whoops."

She stepped forward and wrenched the dagger from its place. She growled at the petrified Frenchman, eyes hardened into raw and regal emeralds. She tapped the dagger to his cheek. "I won't miss next time. Watch it, Frog."

Straightening up, Alice smirked. She was being gaped at from all sides.

Unable to take it anymore, Antonio groaned. "Querida..."

The British Empire's head snapped to one side. An almost unnoticeable blush coloured her cheeks, eyes narrowing seductively. "Toni." She all but purred.

Nimbly leaping over the table that separated them, she sat across the Spanish man's lap, looping one arm around his neck and leaving the other to stroke his face. Spain smiled a drunkenly perverted smile, wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Continue." Alice waved her hand dismissively, nuzzling into Antonio's neck before kissing up his jaw.

He pecked her on the lips. There was a split-second pause. Then... they promptly started making out.

"Ummmm... _**WHAT?**_" America, who had just woken up, screamed.

She pulled away with a smirk. "Really... what did you think we did when we caught each other?"

Not _that_, obviously.

They went back to kissing, the others standing stupefied.

Less than a minute later, she pulled back once more, this time with a sigh. Spain just set about nibbling her ear.

"Well, it's almost time for me to- _ah! Toni, stop that! _–to return. Such a shame, it's so _interesting_ to see you all grown up."

With that she disappeared in the same cloud as before. Spain lamented the loss for a short second before he felt the weight in his lap return.

Normal Alice was back...

...and it looked like Conquistador!Spain had been busy.

Antonio looked down at the dishevelled woman. Her hair was splayed out in all directions, her cheeks were bright red and her chest was heaving. Both her waistcoat and shirt were destroyed, missing all of their buttons as if they'd been torn open. There was a rip up one side of her skirt and several dark hickies were very much visible against her pale skin, marking her neck and collar bones.

There was much staring. Someone awkwardly cleared their throat.

Spain quickly stood up, England in his arms. She yelped, wrapping her arms around his neck to avoid falling.

Without looking back, he strode purposefully towards the door. They did not return from Spain's room.

**OWARI**

**OMAKE**

Once they left, Germany shuffled his paper, attempting to return some semblance of order, to the meeting.

"Moving on..."

Francis wailed. "Why do they get to go and have hot sex while I'm stuck here?"

**Awww, poor Franny! Loljks. I don't like him that much. **

**BTW/FYI ETC.** **The more valuable thing that no other man could have was her virginity. Lol. It doesn't really make sense as England had been invaded by both Ancient Rome and the Vikings, plus Scotland and people at various points. So, you know,** **vital regions had been plundered before. (I laughed when writing that)**

**LOVE YOU SPAIN OYABUN! (Having a Spanish boyfriend does not make me biased. Seriously.)**


End file.
